Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Randomize
