8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
