I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
