If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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