i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
