oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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