I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
