i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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