No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Someone signed my nipple.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
