yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
