last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
