i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
why do cheetos always look like penises
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
