i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
