Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
