I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
