Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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