my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
