youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
