Define "chronic" masturbator.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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