I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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