Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
