I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
