and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
