There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
