right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
