I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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