I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
