oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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