i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
