I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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