I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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