apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
