so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
