u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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