the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
