oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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