either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
