The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
