i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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