my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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