Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
