Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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