yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
