theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
