This is not my ceiling
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
