I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A bitchslap is in order.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
