This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
