I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
