at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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