i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
