You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
