I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
