Have you finally orgasmed yet?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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