I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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