a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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