Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
