The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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