I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
