Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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