Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
